The $400 Smart Doorbell that Filmed its Own Kidnapping

Dave Miller isn’t just a neighbor; he’s a “tech adopter.” Last Saturday, Dave spent six hours—and three trips to the hardware store—installing the “Titan-Guard 4K Ultra,” a doorbell camera marketed as being so smart it can practically predict a crime before it happens. It features night vision, two-way audio, and a “theft-deterrent” siren that Dave described as “sounding like a tactical air raid.”

The deterrent, it turns out, was no match for a $9 crowbar and a guy wearing a generic grey hoodie.

At exactly 2:14 PM, Dave’s phone chirped with a high-priority notification: “Human Detected at Front Door.” Dave, currently sitting on his couch three feet away, opened the app just in time to watch a grainy, high-definition thumb cover the lens. There was a brief, violent scraping sound—captured in stunning 4K surround sound—and then the feed went black.

Dave ran to the door, but the Titan-Guard was already gone, leaving nothing behind but two raw plastic anchors and a very confused Wi-Fi router.

When the local police arrived, Dave proudly offered them the “Cloud-Based Evidence.” The officer stared at the screen for several minutes, watching a three-second loop of a blurry sweatshirt sleeve and a very clear image of a left thumbprint. “It’s a great picture of a thumb, Dave,” the officer noted, “but unless this guy leaves his hand at the crime scene next time, we’re basically looking at a digital souvenir of you getting robbed.”

Dave is currently back at the hardware store, eyeing a $12 peephole and a very large, very analog dog

.