Headline: Your Toaster is Stuck in a Mandatory Security Patch

We have officially reached Peak Stupid: the morning commute is now being delayed by kitchen appliances. A local resident reported being late for work because his "iToast Pro" refused to brown a single slice of sourdough until it finished a mandatory v4.2 firmware update. Apparently, the toaster needed to "improve its cloud connectivity" and patch a vulnerability that could allow hackers to remotely burn your English muffins. We are living in a timeline where breakfast requires a stable Wi-Fi connection and a 40-page Terms of Service agreement. Our advice? Buy a campfire; it doesn't have a firewall

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